My Antacid for Loneliness

Perhaps it's the perfectionist in me, but I think a part of me believes that if I did something to cause myself to suffer I deserve to suffer.  For instance, I have GERDS/Heart Burn and it's making me very miserable.  It's 100% caused by my poor diet.  In order to fix it, I would need to overhaul my diet completely, overcome my hatred of cooking, and handle my addiction to comfort foods.  This is what my plan is, but it's not going to be easy and it's going to take some time to accomplish.

I was telling my roommate about this, and explaining some of my struggles in overcoming my depression in order to do this.  And she said, "do you take antacids?"

"No," I responded.

"Why not?" she asked me.

And I honestly could not answer.  Why don't I take antacids?  Certainly, antacids are not the final solution or a perfect fix.  I need to change my diet, and I know that.  But, in the meantime, is there actually any problem with a simple fix that will ease my suffering?  I am easily overwhelmed when I think about everything that I must do in order to fix my problems, but even when a simple solution is offered I won't take it.

Now that I have explained a bit of my mindset, I would like to talk about loneliness.  I suffer from severe loneliness.  Loneliness that I believe is entirely my fault, and I think a part of me believes that I deserve to suffer from.

Loneliness is interesting because it is not the same as being alone.  I can be alone and not lonely, or I can be surrounded by people and feel very lonely.  For instance, back in October, I was going to discussion-based classes every day where I had interesting conversations with classmates, my friend Corey was visiting me all of the time, I had a job where I was constantly interacting with people, and I visited my family all of the time.  Yet, I was very, very lonely.  This is in contrast to July where I had no job, no school, was not visiting friends due to COVID, and was actively ignoring my roommates.  I was literally spending days all alone, and yet didn't even feel close to what I was feeling in October.

So, the truth of the matter is, it's hard to trace what exactly is causing my loneliness.  Is a lack of fulfilling and meaningful relationships?  Or is it feelings about myself and how I see myself in the bigger picture?  Is it caused by feeling unfulfilled in where I am in my life?  Do I simply feel like the relationships I do have are not fulfilling my needs?  Do I feel like it is my obligation or my burden to be alone?  It's hard to say, but I think it's pretty obvious that it's a personal problem with a difficult solution.

I honestly don't know how to fix my loneliness problem, unlike my GERDS problem I don't actually know what's causing it or what I need to overhaul in my life to fix it.  But, like the antacids, I do believe that there is a simpler solution that won't fix the problem but will help with the suffering and I am actively ignoring it.  And that is, just letting people know how lonely I feel, so I'm not fighting loneliness alone.

This is the main reason that I am writing this blog post.  To let people know where I stand and what I'm going through, and to also let them know that I need help.  If you are reading this, know that I am not expecting you to fix my problems.  I realize that is on me and it is going to take a lot of hard work.  All I'm asking is for an antacid to my loneliness, and that is just people knowing what I'm going through so I don't feel so alone.

Thank-you for reading this and thank-you for being a part of my life.  If you'd like to indicate to me in some form that you did read it I'd really appreciate it so I know who's standing behind me as I fight off my loneliness.

An Open Letter to Those who Disagree with Revelation

This letter is specifically to members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints who have ever told anyone that the revelation that they received was wrong:

Being 25 and single and living in an area where most women are married by 23 I have gotten my fair share of advice.  This advice ranges from being okay with where you are to things to do to get married.  Don't get me wrong, giving advice is not what this letter is about.  Relating to others and giving them advice from your own experiences can be very helpful.  Instead, this letter is when advice goes too far, specifically when people indicate that they are right and you are wrong in regards to things in your own life.

The example that I am thinking of comes with online dating.  It has been suggested to me upwards of what feels like a thousand times to try online dating, but I have felt very, very strongly that I am not meant to do online dating.  You suggesting online dating to me does not bother me.  Online dating is a great suggestion and many people have found their spouses through it.  But, after I tell you that I have received very clear revelation to not do online dating and you tell me that revelation was wrong, you have gone too far.

Perhaps, this is a bad example, after all I have not had too many people argue with me with online dating.  Most people agree that it sucks.  However, recently I was told a story from another single 25-year-old woman.  She informed me that her aunt had told her that the reason she was not married was because she didn't serve a mission.  When the single woman informed her that she had received revelation to not serve a mission, she was told to reconsider that revelation.

Don't do that.  Your advice is welcome, but do not argue with when people have told you that they have received contradictory revelation.  You do not know best!  God knows best!  Do you know who else was told to reconsider revelation?  Joseph Smith, and now we don't have the Book of Lehi.

When you negate revelation, you are mocking that person's choice to trust their God.  You are showing a lack of sympathy and tact.  And further more, you are ignoring the fact that everyone is on an individualized path.

Truth of the matter is there is no sure fire way to ensure that you get a husband by the age of 25.  There are many people who have been online dating for years and are still not married as well as married people who never did online dating.  There are also many women who served full time missions and are unmarried as well as women who didn't serve missions who got married.  The only thing that we can do that is guaranteed is trust God and follow where He leads us.  If we are doing that, we are on the right path, but that is not going to look the same for everyone.

You cannot receive revelation for other people unless they are under your jurisdiction.  You can receive revelation of how to help other people or what to say to other people, but you cannot receive revelation for other people.  So, the next time someone tells you that they are not doing something that you believe is good and right because they received revelation not to, commend them on their trust in God and let it go.

Sincerely,
Ashley

Night

As I sit here listening to my roommate with her friends in our living room I can't help but wonder to myself how it seems like I've never met another person my age who is not a night person. For most people my age being able to stay up late is a privilege. Quite a few would even prefer to stay up all night and sleep during the day. I feel like it's so rare to love going to bed early that I've turned that into my fact that I say when I'm told to tell others one interesting thing about me.

I've never liked the night. I've never liked staying up late even in Junior High and High School and even now in my early twenties.. I don't understand why it's so appealing.  I may not understand why others like it but I am starting to understand why I don't.

My hatred of night begins earlier then I can remember.  It was one of my earliest fears that I can remember and the earliest instance of my anxiety that I can remember.  I remember being at my Grandma's house and leaving with my parents.  It was dark out and as we walked into the cold night a feeling of absolute dread coming over me.

Fear and night for me have always gone hand in hand.  For years I could not go to bed or go to sleep without feeling dread.  Fears that I would die in the middle of the night, fears of loosing my family, fears that I wasn't accomplishing anything, fears of the future.  These fears that stayed out of the way during the day would creep in with the shadows.  Even still sometimes I can't get to sleep until I'm so tired that I can't feel scared any longer.

I think there's more than just fear when it comes to hating the night for one thing I love to sleep.  One of the reasons I don't understand the appeal of wanting to stay up late is I don't understand not wanting to get as much sleep as you can.  Why would you not want to do the activity that is the most comfortable and most refreshing?

Although as I think about it I think these people like sleeping but they like sleeping during the most wonderful hours of the day which is the day.  They enjoy missing the quiet peace of the morning by sleeping in or the wonderful friendliness of the afternoon by taking naps.  They miss out on the sun and the warmth and the light that it brings and exchange it for the dark and cold that comes from the night.

I don't think I'll ever understand these people.  I just wish that I could find another person who understands me and feels the same way I do.

That Time of My Life

Despite the fact that I am in love with my writing blog (http://ashleynaylorsblog.blogspot.com/) and I'll probably still focus on that blog I wanted a place to put more Journal like entries. That will also allow me to have somewhere to put things that aren't stories. One of the main reasons that I want to do this is a feel this one of the most exciting times of my life. This is the time where I get to meet my eternal companion, make decisions, make mistakes, etc. and I want to document them and some of my thoughts for my children and my grandchildren. I won't always have a lot to say but I hope in the long run it might make a difference. Also, if I haven't mentioned it before please check out my story blog.