My Antacid for Loneliness

Perhaps it's the perfectionist in me, but I think a part of me believes that if I did something to cause myself to suffer I deserve to suffer.  For instance, I have GERDS/Heart Burn and it's making me very miserable.  It's 100% caused by my poor diet.  In order to fix it, I would need to overhaul my diet completely, overcome my hatred of cooking, and handle my addiction to comfort foods.  This is what my plan is, but it's not going to be easy and it's going to take some time to accomplish.

I was telling my roommate about this, and explaining some of my struggles in overcoming my depression in order to do this.  And she said, "do you take antacids?"

"No," I responded.

"Why not?" she asked me.

And I honestly could not answer.  Why don't I take antacids?  Certainly, antacids are not the final solution or a perfect fix.  I need to change my diet, and I know that.  But, in the meantime, is there actually any problem with a simple fix that will ease my suffering?  I am easily overwhelmed when I think about everything that I must do in order to fix my problems, but even when a simple solution is offered I won't take it.

Now that I have explained a bit of my mindset, I would like to talk about loneliness.  I suffer from severe loneliness.  Loneliness that I believe is entirely my fault, and I think a part of me believes that I deserve to suffer from.

Loneliness is interesting because it is not the same as being alone.  I can be alone and not lonely, or I can be surrounded by people and feel very lonely.  For instance, back in October, I was going to discussion-based classes every day where I had interesting conversations with classmates, my friend Corey was visiting me all of the time, I had a job where I was constantly interacting with people, and I visited my family all of the time.  Yet, I was very, very lonely.  This is in contrast to July where I had no job, no school, was not visiting friends due to COVID, and was actively ignoring my roommates.  I was literally spending days all alone, and yet didn't even feel close to what I was feeling in October.

So, the truth of the matter is, it's hard to trace what exactly is causing my loneliness.  Is a lack of fulfilling and meaningful relationships?  Or is it feelings about myself and how I see myself in the bigger picture?  Is it caused by feeling unfulfilled in where I am in my life?  Do I simply feel like the relationships I do have are not fulfilling my needs?  Do I feel like it is my obligation or my burden to be alone?  It's hard to say, but I think it's pretty obvious that it's a personal problem with a difficult solution.

I honestly don't know how to fix my loneliness problem, unlike my GERDS problem I don't actually know what's causing it or what I need to overhaul in my life to fix it.  But, like the antacids, I do believe that there is a simpler solution that won't fix the problem but will help with the suffering and I am actively ignoring it.  And that is, just letting people know how lonely I feel, so I'm not fighting loneliness alone.

This is the main reason that I am writing this blog post.  To let people know where I stand and what I'm going through, and to also let them know that I need help.  If you are reading this, know that I am not expecting you to fix my problems.  I realize that is on me and it is going to take a lot of hard work.  All I'm asking is for an antacid to my loneliness, and that is just people knowing what I'm going through so I don't feel so alone.

Thank-you for reading this and thank-you for being a part of my life.  If you'd like to indicate to me in some form that you did read it I'd really appreciate it so I know who's standing behind me as I fight off my loneliness.