I was telling my roommate about this, and explaining some of my struggles in overcoming my depression in order to do this. And she said, "do you take antacids?"
"No," I responded.
"Why not?" she asked me.
And I honestly could not answer. Why don't I take antacids? Certainly, antacids are not the final solution or a perfect fix. I need to change my diet, and I know that. But, in the meantime, is there actually any problem with a simple fix that will ease my suffering? I am easily overwhelmed when I think about everything that I must do in order to fix my problems, but even when a simple solution is offered I won't take it.
Now that I have explained a bit of my mindset, I would like to talk about loneliness. I suffer from severe loneliness. Loneliness that I believe is entirely my fault, and I think a part of me believes that I deserve to suffer from.
Loneliness is interesting because it is not the same as being alone. I can be alone and not lonely, or I can be surrounded by people and feel very lonely. For instance, back in October, I was going to discussion-based classes every day where I had interesting conversations with classmates, my friend Corey was visiting me all of the time, I had a job where I was constantly interacting with people, and I visited my family all of the time. Yet, I was very, very lonely. This is in contrast to July where I had no job, no school, was not visiting friends due to COVID, and was actively ignoring my roommates. I was literally spending days all alone, and yet didn't even feel close to what I was feeling in October.
So, the truth of the matter is, it's hard to trace what exactly is causing my loneliness. Is a lack of fulfilling and meaningful relationships? Or is it feelings about myself and how I see myself in the bigger picture? Is it caused by feeling unfulfilled in where I am in my life? Do I simply feel like the relationships I do have are not fulfilling my needs? Do I feel like it is my obligation or my burden to be alone? It's hard to say, but I think it's pretty obvious that it's a personal problem with a difficult solution.
I honestly don't know how to fix my loneliness problem, unlike my GERDS problem I don't actually know what's causing it or what I need to overhaul in my life to fix it. But, like the antacids, I do believe that there is a simpler solution that won't fix the problem but will help with the suffering and I am actively ignoring it. And that is, just letting people know how lonely I feel, so I'm not fighting loneliness alone.
This is the main reason that I am writing this blog post. To let people know where I stand and what I'm going through, and to also let them know that I need help. If you are reading this, know that I am not expecting you to fix my problems. I realize that is on me and it is going to take a lot of hard work. All I'm asking is for an antacid to my loneliness, and that is just people knowing what I'm going through so I don't feel so alone.
Thank-you for reading this and thank-you for being a part of my life. If you'd like to indicate to me in some form that you did read it I'd really appreciate it so I know who's standing behind me as I fight off my loneliness.
